I remember a Thanksgiving in the blue mountains of the Cumberland Rim, the kitchen spiced with the aromas of roasting turkey, sautéed onions, browning rolls. Visitors came and went, catching up on stories. One of my mother’s friends dropped off a homemade chocolate pie, then left in a flurry of hugs and good wishes. Later, when we tried to cut a slice, the rich filling oozed, pooling in the bottom of the pan. We just we dipped it out like pudding, and everybody said it was the best chocolate dessert ever, the perfect ending to our meal. 

A day or so after the holiday, my mother’s friend returned for her pie plate, but the pie–well, part of it–was still in the pan. She took one look at the soupy mess and flew into a tizzy.

“What’s wrong with you people?” she cried. “Don’t y’all know how to eat a pie?”

She scraped the remains of her pie into the garbage pail. Seconds later, she stomped out the door.

It was a small altercation, albeit an unpleasant one, but it upset my elderly mother to her core.

“You’d thought would we’d fed that pie to rats–before we sacrificed them,” she said.

I wondered why the friend, an 88-year old woman, had a hissy fit. She seemed to enjoy bringing food to frail and disabled widows. I wish I’d told her that my mother hadn’t cut the pie. (Actually, it was me.) What was the real problem?  Had the dessert been given with strings–had the lady wanted effusive praise? A shining, clean empty plate? Or maybe the woman’s holiday had gone poorly, and her nerves were frayed. I believe her heart was in that pie, and when she saw a soupy, hacked up mess, she felt as if her gift had been abused or even rejected.

At any rate, Mother and the friend made up quickly, and the incident was forgotten.

But it made me wonder about giving. Why, in fact, do we give? Because we have an agenda or because it brings joy to ourselves and others? Are invisible strings attached? Hidden to our own eyes? Or do we give freely, with love and abandon?

Once we release a gift, we can’t hold on. We must relinquish control and expectations. Our gift may be re-gifted or sold on Ebay. It may be forgotten or thrown in the garbage. We may not receive so much as a fly-by thank you. 

Not that it really matters.

And when our generous acts misfire, all we can do is acknowledge the event and move forward with grace and a bit of humor. We give because it fills our souls.

“I have found that among its other benefits, giving liberates the soul of the giver.”

— Maya Angelou